It’s about time

In a recent conversation with my 16-year-old, it was brought to my attention, very kindly, that I basically sucked at enjoying my free time.

I grew up in a family that placed high value— actually, all value— on doing. Producing. Being busy.

Sitting, pausing, reading, daydreaming was for when you were in bed, on holiday, or sick. Productive tasks completed, for the time being— for as we all know, productive tasks are never complete.

Being an involved and present mom, daughter, businesswoman and homeowner means that my jobs are never really done. They are all continuous. Ongoing. For as long as I live and breathe.

So, after my less-than-graceful tirade preaching from my high-in-the-sky pulpit to my son about the virtues of productivity and focused presence that he should be practicing more of during his spring break—yes, you got that straight, I was on my high horse of productivity during his TIME OFF from school.

He most eloquently and kindly pointed out that this was a very specific and short-lived period of his life. He was fully aware of its fleeting nature. This was a finite and specific moment of his life. He was crystal-clear in stating his desire to take full advantage of his “free time,” as it would not be free much longer.

Damn.

He is so smart.

My young lawyer-in-training was spot-on.

When I asked him where he procured this astute sense of clarity and wisdom around time, he said, “Please do not take offence, Mom, but I see you really struggle with your free time. You have a hard time settling into it. Taking it at all.”

Yup. He sees me.

The great irony here is that I see myself valuing time over almost any other resource available. And here I had to admit that I really have only related to time in terms of my productive output.

Seeing time as the limiting factor between me and the completion of my task is not valuing time; it is fighting with time. Racing, negotiating, competing with time, squeezing time. depleting the resource of time, with no gratitude.

I see time as something NOT to waste. Not as something to spend— to invest in as a pleasurable undertaking.

How to use time in order to provide joy, enrichment, and pleasure is not my strong suit.

I am good at managing my time, structuring my time, allocating my time. But not really taking time— fully— for the fun of it, for me.

This is strangely a relief to see. To acknowledge. Something new to learn. To discover. To play with.

To be continued.

Do you have areas in your life where you place a lesser or greater value on the expenditure of time?