When I owned my store leka, women would come in and try on clothing all day long.
When something did not fit-for any reason-there was always a common thread in their responses (pun intended). Often the first thing to come out of a woman’s mouth was that something was wrong with her because the item did not fit. She would say something like
“my belly is too big” or
“my hips are too wide” or
” my boobs are too small”
Why do we as women always take problems on as if it is our fault?
Why do we think we are somehow inherently wrong?
We internalize the blame, and we wear the shame literally and figuratively.
I have yet to meet a man, who, when a piece of clothing did not fit, thought it was their fault or that there was some flaw with the shape and or size of their body.
Their impulse is not to internalize an external reality, and make it personal.
Yet, I see women, including myself, do this all the time.
If a situation seems off, or a conflict arises, women tend to take the blame first, before examining the origin, cause or reason. The habitual thoughts run something like this:
“What did I do wrong?”
“It must be my fault”.
“I am bad”,
“wrong”, “or
“flawed in some way”
These are common responses I hear daily from women struggling in relationships, work, parenting and simply being alive in a body.
I have often thought-perhaps- simplistically about the possible correlation between our “internalized genitalia” and our tendency to “internalize” life’s events.
We are so quick to judge ourselves wrong when confronted with an opposing or differing view point. We deem the outcome of a situation positive or negative based on someone else’s response, rather than allow our own feelings to be our indicator. As I was growing up, my wise mother always advised that I should never judge the success of my truth -telling based on someone else’s reaction. That if I did, I was giving away my power.
I still struggle with this at the age of fifty seven. I admit, I want others around me to be happy.
And as I wrote last week-
“Giving away a piece of myself for the sake of peace- is forsaking a piece of me”.
Not a good trade-off.
Both things can be true. We can want others to be happy, and we can trust our own responses.
Just because.
With no defending.
My logic and my wisdom know this, and yet my body and neurological patterns keep me in an old behavioural loop.
I hand over my agency to outside authorities more than I care to admit.
However,
I have been practicing giving myself space for my own truth to arise and my own interpretation to be heard every single day.
It is an ongoing practice.
Here is what I know – As women, we often receive information, intuitively, innately, or in some other sensory way.
If something is off in a relationship, situation, or even the world,
often, our first impulse is to take responsibility for it.
“I am too sensitive”,
“I am too intense”,
“I am too____”fill in the blank.
We do this automatically, instead of investigating the other angles first.
Maybe the relationship is not good for us, maybe the other person is out of line- maybe the world is in great chaos- as it is right now- and we are justified in whatever feeling and or response we are having.
Maybe, just maybe the problem exists outside of us, not within us.
How would it be to trust our inner voice above the voice of another?
How would that feel?
I am not saying don’t be self -reflective.
Not at all.
But just maybe a more objective perspective is called for.
Maybe its not healthy nor balanced to jump to a subjective internal subjugation.
Maybe the niggle that you are feeling in the pit of your stomach is telling you something very important.
Vital, even crucial for your own well being.
Maybe that is a voice to be listened to, honoured and even revered as a message from the wisdom of your body to be heeded.
Maybe, just maybe the problem or issue, or conflict has nothing to do with you at all.
Always thinking that you are the problem keeps you from being a part of the solution.
Women, we need you to stop pointing the finger inward,
Instead place your whole hand on your heart, and listen.
You know what needs to be said.
You know what needs to be done.
Ducit Amore 