I just elected to put my cat down.
A polite way of saying that I chose to have her euthanized.
One of the most difficult decisions I have made.
No, I take that back.
Actually one of the most difficult decisions I have had to carry out.
Follow through on.
The decision was made together.
with her.
with spirit.
with god.
with me.
It was her time.
It was time.
She was nearly 19 years old.
A gorgeous lithe tabby zen old soul being
incarnated into a cat body.
She was kind, caring, loving, affectionate, independent, and interdependent at the same time respectful, and discerning.
All qualities I aspire to.
Michael chose her-the runt of the litter when I was away teaching just after we moved up here-to Victoria, BC.
I was not a cat person.
And Sumatra was not like any other cat.
She quickly became part of our family.
She navigated the inside and outside world with great ease, intelligence and wisdom.
An ease that I am striving for in navigating my own inner and outer worlds.
Sumatra was sensitive to others energies.
If I were to guess, she was an empathic cat.
She avoided those with big energies.
She gravitated towards those who were gentle, soft, and open.
Affection was displayed to those she felt safe with.
It was not about with holding.
It was about affection selection.
This seemed like a wise self preserving mechanism.
Why in people do we judge this negatively?
Trust and affection need to be earned.
They should not be given away for free.
Sumatra was elegant, peaceful and graceful, truly full of grace.
She knew herself.
She understood her needs.
She asked for what she wanted when she wanted it.
A very evolved woman indeed.
At one point we procured another kitten for my daughter.
Sumatra was about 9 years old then.
She did not take well to the new feline.
She was protective not welcoming of the new family member.
I remember Michael being angry with Sumatra for hissing, and protecting her home.
I had never seen her like this before.
Her boundaries were up.
In full force.
Full blown!
I somehow understood her response which looked like a vicious reaction.
This was her turf.
Her home.
Her family.
No one had asked her if she wanted a new baby cat to entertain.
It made complete sense to me.
Fortunately for Sumatra, the kitten was not long for this world.
She was hit by a car in the first few months.
She was not meant to live long.
Sumatra returned to her relaxed peaceful loving self again.
She always knew when I was sad, and not feeling well.
She would come and lie on my chest.
Her weight grounding me back into myself.
Her purring reminding me of what was good in the world.
My world.
She aged quickly this past summer.
Lost much of her hearing.
Lay around outside in the sun most of the day.
In September I came back from a trip, and I could see that she was starting
to dissipate.
She was leaving her body.
I knew that her time with us was coming to an end.
I would come up the walk way and she would not recognize me.
She would run frightened and bewildered.
I worried that she would run into the street not hearing the traffic,
and be hit by a car.
Keeping her inside was not an option.
She was an outdoor cat.
Five days ago
I looked into her eyes, and cried.
I asked her if it was time.
She said yes.
with her eyes. spirit, and soul.
I called the vet to make the appointment.
Conflicted, yet resolved.
A knowing mind and a heavy heart.
We took her in three days ago.
Normally afraid and skittish of her vet visits, she lay still, quiet and peaceful on the folded brown towel on the examining table.
She was so relaxed.
Eerily so.
The sedative relaxed her more.
And then the injection was given.
She looked confused for a moment,
and then gave in, to her last breath.
Her heart stopped beating,
and yet I could still feel the essence of her heart still alive.
Giving generously.
fully and lovingly.
Maybe this heart essence never dies?
I do not know for sure.
What I do know is that I feel the gift of her still here.
Still very much alive around me and in me.
I want to stay in touch with this feeling, this essence
without grabbing, holding onto and grasping.
She would want me to savour the good.
not to harbour the sad.
To bask in her love, beauty, and peaceful spirit.
Not to lose myself to the past.
To mourn what was.
What could have been.
What was no longer in my lap.
Literally and figuratively.
These are my lessons.
These are her teachings.
Student and teacher.
Forever evolving.
Ducit Amore 
You captured Sumatra’s beautiful gifts here. I cried, hearing both a heavy heart and a universal message about loss and love. And the powerful relationship with animals… our easy path to unconditional empathy. ❤️
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